I'm not sure typically when the "Terrible Twos" stage really starts, but we have already seen glimpses of a tantrum-throwing toddler inhabiting the body of our sweet girl. We have days that I wish we could do all over again because the whole day was just wrong in attitude and heart. But sadly, those do-overs are desired more so because of the way that I handle the frenzy. I don't know when I started assuming that my daughter and I were enemies on those days. I have to remind myself often that she has only been alive for 2 years. She is merely a babe. She is in the midst of figuring out life; how to behave in social settings, how to make decisions, how to react to others. She is learning and growing and experiencing things for the first time.
Recently I came upon yet another amazing post by this lady that just stopped me in my track. I had to read it out loud, then read it to my husband, then read it again. I want to print it off and hand-deliver it to all my mom friends for Christmas. It's not everyday you read something so moving.
To even write these words, I have to assume that she spends a heck of a lot of time inhaling Scripture because where she's arrived in her thought process is just so full of wisdom to be from any self-help or parenting book. These are her words, not mine.
_________
The practice of assigning positive intent is, as Fancy Nancy would say, just a fancy way of saying "believe the best."
I try to make my starting point for the day a belief in their goodness,
in their love for each other and for our family, in the work that we
have already done together towards wholeness.
So when things go pear-shaped, instead of assuming that they are manipulative little buggers out to get their way and rule us all, I choose to believe that their heart is as much for me as mine is for them.
A small example: When Joe was quite a small toddler, I met a scene from a mother-horror movie when I went to wake him from a nap. There was excrement everywhere - on the walls, on the sheets, in his hair. He was rubbing it with his stuffed animals, spreading it everywhere. Part of me wanted to holler at him: WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING? (Pun unintended, I assure you.) This was unbelievably gross, he had probably pulled that diaper off himself and was now gleefully making a mess on purpose, painting with it. But then I realized that he was sick, his diaper had been insufficient for the experience and he was actually making an attempt to clean it up. His intent was positive even if the results were, um, absolutely disgusting.
I try to operate from the standpoint that they want to be good and my job is to help them navigate, with grace, the mistakes and missteps that naturally come with the enormous job of growing up to love God and love people well.
I enjoy mothering so much more if I believe we're all on the same side. It's not us vs. them in the war of the family. My role here is to help them learn and so if I try to assume that they truly don't know yet or are still figuring it out. (But even if they are trying to be bad, even if it is manipulation, few people are not disarmed by innocence. And that includes my tinies. If they do something wrong on purpose, gentleness goes a long way to bringing them back to right living, reconciling them with us and God, much farther than bellowing and isolation and fury.)
When I assign positive intent, I have much more grace, patience and gentleness to offer and I believe that they can sense this change of perspective. It moves us from adversaries to partners or co-operators in their wholeness. But, on the other hand, if I operate from the starting point that they are out to take a mile if I give an inch that is one sure way to make the days very, very, very long.
I enjoy mothering when I believe and hope and love in their personhood. I enjoy my tinies when I notice and talk about the things that are noble, pure, beautiful and good about them. I enjoy mothering when I remember that they really, truly don't know everything yet, that most of my expectations come with development, and my job is to really, truly, teach them well.
They will learn the big nouns of love, grace, forgiveness, mercy and peace in the way that I handle the small verbs and actions of our life together. And so will I. (I have so much to learn.)
So even if the action is wrong or infuriating, unless otherwise proven, assume that their heart is to love, to please, to help and learn the right way from you.
So when things go pear-shaped, instead of assuming that they are manipulative little buggers out to get their way and rule us all, I choose to believe that their heart is as much for me as mine is for them.
A small example: When Joe was quite a small toddler, I met a scene from a mother-horror movie when I went to wake him from a nap. There was excrement everywhere - on the walls, on the sheets, in his hair. He was rubbing it with his stuffed animals, spreading it everywhere. Part of me wanted to holler at him: WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING? (Pun unintended, I assure you.) This was unbelievably gross, he had probably pulled that diaper off himself and was now gleefully making a mess on purpose, painting with it. But then I realized that he was sick, his diaper had been insufficient for the experience and he was actually making an attempt to clean it up. His intent was positive even if the results were, um, absolutely disgusting.
I try to operate from the standpoint that they want to be good and my job is to help them navigate, with grace, the mistakes and missteps that naturally come with the enormous job of growing up to love God and love people well.
I enjoy mothering so much more if I believe we're all on the same side. It's not us vs. them in the war of the family. My role here is to help them learn and so if I try to assume that they truly don't know yet or are still figuring it out. (But even if they are trying to be bad, even if it is manipulation, few people are not disarmed by innocence. And that includes my tinies. If they do something wrong on purpose, gentleness goes a long way to bringing them back to right living, reconciling them with us and God, much farther than bellowing and isolation and fury.)
When I assign positive intent, I have much more grace, patience and gentleness to offer and I believe that they can sense this change of perspective. It moves us from adversaries to partners or co-operators in their wholeness. But, on the other hand, if I operate from the starting point that they are out to take a mile if I give an inch that is one sure way to make the days very, very, very long.
I enjoy mothering when I believe and hope and love in their personhood. I enjoy my tinies when I notice and talk about the things that are noble, pure, beautiful and good about them. I enjoy mothering when I remember that they really, truly don't know everything yet, that most of my expectations come with development, and my job is to really, truly, teach them well.
They will learn the big nouns of love, grace, forgiveness, mercy and peace in the way that I handle the small verbs and actions of our life together. And so will I. (I have so much to learn.)
So even if the action is wrong or infuriating, unless otherwise proven, assume that their heart is to love, to please, to help and learn the right way from you.
_________
These words have changed me. They have given me a much-needed redirection of perspective. Makes me excited to meet my little girl in the morning and do life with her again, realizing that we are not adversaries on those tough days. On the contrary, she is my sweet, little girl that I get to teach and help mold. What a huge responsibility.
1 comments:
Thanks for posting this, these are good words to remember even with teenagers and older children, which is a whole other set of problems. Makes the toddler years look easy in retrospect, but I do remember how trying those days could be.
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