I am thankful for the ebb and flow, but seriously, I don't think this parenting thing gets any easier, no matter how long you've been at it or how many times you've done it. For me, nothing in life has brought about more sanctification than through marriage and raising kids. If you wanna look more like Jesus, say "I do," and live with that person everyday for the rest of your life. That's sure to show you some character flaws. If you want to know how imperfect you are, raise some kids that stare at you in the face like little mirrors that reflect the condition of your heart. It ain't always pretty, that's for sure.
Today I am working through some devil in me.
I came to a conclusion this morning on my run. An ugly one at that.
When it's easy, I am an excellent mom. But when it's hard, I am terrible mom.
When we've got the routine down, the kids are sleeping well, eating well, playing hard, obeying, learning quickly, not teething, not fighting, and not sick--life is good. I feel like I am in my element as a mom. I enjoy waking up and doing it over again the next day.
But. When shit hits the fan control (and comfort and routine and stability) are out the window, I realize that I like motherhood a whole lot less. I love my children, don't get me wrong, but what starts creeping up in me gets pretty ugly pretty fast. It all boils down to my selfish heart.
Selfishness steals joy. I've been acting like life is about my kingdom, not God's.
Love does not easily anger. (1 Cor. 13:5) In my head today has been the phrase, "Angry parents breed angry children." If that's the case, Lord help them.
Rather abrupt ending perhaps, but right now I have no other consolation.
If after reading this you want to call CPS, I'll understand. In the meantime, I'll be pleading for more of God, less of me. That same prayer I've prayed a million times, but the one I'll keep on saying.
5 comments:
friend
thank you for this post. although i know all of us mamas have hard days, i have been confronted with my selfishness on a whole new level, since bringing number 2 home. don't get me wrong. LOVE having each of the children God has placed in my life. I LOVE THEM. but, do i always love the whining, fits, tantrums sleeplessness, etc...well, no. and, not only do i not love those things, i find i do not love well amongst those things. ugh. like you said, ugly.
i have felt like i am on an island with some of my feelings lately. and shame with my recent mommy blunders.
thankfully, i have sweet, honest and open friends like you, and others...and i have the word of God...which is my "self help book". :)
did you know, Paul says, "Christ came to exercise endless patience to his children"???
um, what. yeah, endless. patience.
love is. patient.
the fruit of the Spirit...love, joy, peace, patience.
and, just as my children cry, whine, test me and need, need, need.
such am I to my heavenly Father. a whiny baby.
so, my daily prayer..."put that patience,that you offer me, all up in me and through me."
or, as you said, "less of me, more of you."
cause to love well is to set aside my expectations, personal freedoms, sleep, personal time, on and on...
and to bend down to my children and scoop them up.
right where they are.
as they are.
it is a holy place, this mothering thing.
glad i have you in it with me.
You are wonderful and are a wonderful mommy! I love you!
Your honesty is refreshing sister and not that I'm happy that your working through some tough heart issues, but glad to know that I'm not alone and that someone else wrestles with the same crap! Love you (and wish we lived closer!!).
His grace is sufficient. I am so thankful his power is made perfect in our weakness. You are an incredible mom... we are just daily being transformed into His image. We aren't there yet. Can't wait to hug you sweet friend!
I SOOO get this Carey. Some days I think I'm the best Mama under the sun...other days I reflect and think he's going to disown me in his adulthood because I damaged him some how.
I appreciate your thoughts on this...it's a great reminder to let go of control and be more mom and a little less mom-ego.
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