I have been trying to sort through some thoughts lately regarding friendships in my life. Growing up, God answered I'm sure what were the many prayers of my parents and blessed me with amazing friends. In college, I had wonderful friends again. Though we rarely keep in touch, I know that I am just as special to them as they are to me. Now in the phase of married life, I'm realizing that friendships as an adult look differently. I'm not sure I can pinpoint the reason why, but for whatever reason, deep, close friendships are hard for me to find. I will not discount at all the ones God has given me, but as ungrateful as this sounds, I feel like I am always looking for something more.
In my head, I tend to put people in categories.
* If they are moving or will move or have ever mentioned the thought of wanting to move, I distance myself. I think this is because I don't want to unload, get real, invest, share dirt, and then have that friendship be no different than so many others to where we lose contact. I'm sure a lot of it is due to insecurities, but ultimately it hurts to share your life with someone and for it to go nowhere.
* If they already have a close community of friends in their life, I assume that I'm not needed. I want to have a best friend and be someone's best friend. Reciprocation is important to me.
* Then there are those people that I just don't click with. It's frustrating because I see only good things in the other person, but whether it is due to different personalities, interests, etc., these relationships don't have deep roots and are short term.
For me, motherhood has felt very isolating. I've mentioned that before. I often find myself riding the roller coaster of depression, which can be exhausting. I have so much to be grateful for, and I am. Most of all, I am thankful for my God who continues to guide me and love me and show His power in my life. I am also so grateful for a husband who will always be my BFF. Where ever we go in life, it is comforting to know that I have both of them by my side.
2 comments:
Carey, (this is Anna), I've been following your blog for some time now - hope you don't mind. 100%, I can relate. Though Kyle and I have yet to start our family, that is what sometimes makes me feel like an outsider and alone. I haven't had that *best friend* since high school; even then it was a struggle to stay as close my senior year while she was in college. I guess what I wanted to say is that I'm searching, too. I'd be a lonely hag without my BFF, Kyle. ;) Sending love to TX.
Carey- I echo your thoughts and feelings exactly. Moving twice in the last few years has made a lot of my friendships obsolete. We've lived in Rockport for almost 2 years now and I am aching for a friend. Not an acquaintance or someone to fill my free time but a real, true friend that I can share a deeper bond with (someone who will understand and listen to my own rollercoaster of depression- something our congregation would be shocked to learn). It makes my throat a little tight just thinking over your words and knowing how close to home they hit.
Here's to hoping.
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