Behavorial Incentives For A 2 Year Old

Vera, my 2 year old, responds well to positive feedback.  One of the best tricks I've learned if wanting to modify a behavior is to praise one of her friends for doing something well (sharing, obeying, etc.) when she is within earshot.  She, too, wants praise, so it motivates her to do the right thing the next time.  Though I am more concerned with the condition of her heart than behavior modification, there are times and situations when incentives help her learn.

I stole this glass jar incentive idea from someone else.  After about a month of doing it, it's working great!  I had everything on hand already, so putting it together for use was quick.  I gathered some glass votive candle holders, rocks, jingle bells and sparkly balls from my craft stuff.  We decided that there were six specific areas that we wanted to help her work on, so I found pictures and printed labels to help her take ownership.  When she gets in her car seat without a fight, I praise her for it and tell her that she gets to go put something in her jar.  When she stays in bed (and doesn't moan underneath her door) during nap time, she gets to put something in her jar.  This has become exciting to her and she often asks about the status of her jar.

For rewards, I chose three things I know she likes; ice cream, bike rides, and watching a TV show.  It is really special if she gets to go on a bike ride with one of us.  Watching TV and dessert are not everyday occurrences here, so these are special to her, too.  As she takes initiative to obey on her own, we in that moment try to tell her how much it pleases God and reward her for her good behavior.  I'm not sure how long this will do the trick, but for now it's working!

These Times Are Fleeting

Have you ever had to get up out of bed for something, but you were in the most comfortable position ever and wanted to remember exactly how it felt? You study how your arm is laying and at what angle your legs are so that you can climb back into bed and feel that same exact comfort?  I do that with my babies, too.  What I mean is that I know these times are fleeting.  Sometimes I will catch an expression or will study how it feels to be holding my baby so that I can lock it into my memory as best I can.  I don't want to forget what it's like to see Lydia gleefully clicking her tongue, imitating me.  I don't ever want to forget how it feels to hold Vera after she's been freshly bathed, smelling her hair, touching her soft skin, hearing her echo the words I am reading in a book.  I wish it were possible to hold these memories in a jar so that years down the road when my heart aches for my littles, I could open it up and remember exactly what it was like.

But we can't do that.  

So instead I settle for leaving smudged handprints on my front door, even for company to see.

I keep her blankie unwashed for awhile longer just so I can smell her night time lotion and picture her cuddled in my lap.

I leave a few crumbs in her car seat that show just how much she enjoyed that snack on the ride home.

They are my reminders of the incredible gifts they are in my life.

One of the 18,705 Reasons Why I Love My Husband

There's been an empty spot for awhile now in Vera's baby book awaiting a letter from her daddy.  He filled it this past weekend and I got permission to share.  Grab a tissue first though, will ya?

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My dear, sweet Vera,

My first born.  You are two years old as I write this.  You are inquisitive, smart, independent, and eager to do the right thing.  I am so thankful for you and love you deeply with a kind of love I did not know until you were born.  I want to give you three pieces of advice for this life...

First, the world can be a confusing and difficult place.  I will try to shield you from the harshness of life as best I can but at some point you will experience trial in this life.  Do not be surprised by it or lose your courage.  There is One who has gone before us and has overcome.  He said, 'In this life you will have trouble, but take heart for I have overcome the world.'  And indeed I have found that even when all else fails, He is true.  This world will tempt you into thinking that Jesus is not who the Bible claims Him to be.  Do not be afraid to ask honest questions but know that I at least have found Him and His Word to be true and sound both from an intellectual and experiential perspective.  I pray that you will as well and that in your love for the Lord you will find safety and security to weather the storms of life.

Second, love people but do not let their approval rule your life.  If you pursue happiness in life, you are unlikely to find it, but if as an overflow of your love for the Lord you spend your life serving and loving others, you most certainly will find joy in this life and supreme happiness in the next.

Finally, your mom is a beautiful woman who loves the Lord and thus has wisdom beyond herself.  She is the love of my life, my better half, and my best friend.  She is worthy of your trust and admiration and you would do well to keep her in your confidences and lean on her for guidance.

Love you,

Dad

Dance Party

Vera likes to play the game 'dance party' quite frequently.  Chris recorded our most recent one.  And yes, that's all natural talent.

Believing The Best In Our Kids

I'm not sure typically when the "Terrible Twos" stage really starts, but we have already seen glimpses of a tantrum-throwing toddler inhabiting the body of our sweet girl.  We have days that I wish we could do all over again because the whole day was just wrong in attitude and heart.  But sadly, those do-overs are desired more so because of the way that I handle the frenzy.  I don't know when I started assuming that my daughter and I were enemies on those days.  I have to remind myself often that she has only been alive for 2 years.  She is merely a babe.  She is in the midst of figuring out life; how to behave in social settings, how to make decisions, how to react to others.  She is learning and growing and experiencing things for the first time.

Recently I came upon yet another amazing post by this lady that just stopped me in my track.  I had to read it out loud, then read it to my husband, then read it again.  I want to print it off and hand-deliver it to all my mom friends for Christmas.  It's not everyday you read something so moving.

To even write these words, I have to assume that she spends a heck of a lot of time inhaling Scripture because where she's arrived in her thought process is just so full of wisdom to be from any self-help or parenting book.  These are her words, not mine.

_________

The practice of assigning positive intent is, as Fancy Nancy would say, just a fancy way of saying "believe the best." I try to make my starting point for the day a belief in their goodness, in their love for each other and for our family, in the work that we have already done together towards wholeness.

So when things go pear-shaped, instead of assuming that they are manipulative little buggers out to get their way and rule us all, I choose to believe that their heart is as much for me as mine is for them.

A small example: When Joe was quite a small toddler, I met a scene from a mother-horror movie when I went to wake him from a nap. There was excrement everywhere - on the walls, on the sheets, in his hair. He was rubbing it with his stuffed animals, spreading it everywhere. Part of me wanted to holler at him: WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING? (Pun unintended, I assure you.)  This was unbelievably gross, he had probably pulled that diaper off himself and was now gleefully making a mess on purpose, painting with it. But then I realized that he was sick, his diaper had been insufficient for the experience and he was actually making an attempt to clean it up. His intent was positive even if the results were, um, absolutely disgusting.

I try to operate from the standpoint that they want to be good and my job is to help them navigate, with grace, the mistakes and missteps that naturally come with the enormous job of growing up to love God and love people well.

I enjoy mothering so much more if I believe we're all on the same side. It's not us vs. them in the war of the family. My role here is to help them learn and so if I try to assume that they truly don't know yet or are still figuring it out. (But even if they are trying to be bad, even if it is manipulation, few people are not disarmed by innocence. And that includes my tinies. If they do something wrong on purpose, gentleness goes a long way to bringing them back to right living, reconciling them with us and God, much farther than bellowing and isolation and fury.)

When I assign positive intent, I have much more grace, patience and gentleness to offer and I believe that they can sense this change of perspective. It moves us from adversaries to partners or co-operators in their wholeness. But, on the other hand, if I operate from the starting point that they are out to take a mile if I give an inch that is one sure way to make the days very, very, very long.

I enjoy mothering when I believe and hope and love in their personhood. I enjoy my tinies when I notice and talk about the things that are noble, pure, beautiful and good about them. I enjoy mothering when I remember that they really, truly don't know everything yet, that most of my expectations come with development, and my job is to really, truly, teach them well.

They will learn the big nouns of love, grace, forgiveness, mercy and peace in the way that I handle the small verbs and actions of our life together. And so will I. (I have so much to learn.)

So even if the action is wrong or infuriating, unless otherwise proven, assume that their heart is to love, to please, to help and learn the right way from you.

_________

These words have changed me.  They have given me a much-needed redirection of perspective.  Makes me excited to meet my little girl in the morning and do life with her again, realizing that we are not adversaries on those tough days.  On the contrary, she is my sweet, little girl that I get to teach and help mold.  What a huge responsibility.

Selfishness 101

I am thankful for the ebb and flow, but seriously, I don't think this parenting thing gets any easier, no matter how long you've been at it or how many times you've done it.  For me, nothing in life has brought about more sanctification than through marriage and raising kids.  If you wanna look more like Jesus, say "I do," and live with that person everyday for the rest of your life.  That's sure to show you some character flaws.  If you want to know how imperfect you are, raise some kids that stare at you in the face like little mirrors that reflect the condition of your heart.  It ain't always pretty, that's for sure.

Today I am working through some devil in me.

I came to a conclusion this morning on my run.  An ugly one at that.

When it's easy, I am an excellent mom.  But when it's hard, I am terrible mom.

When we've got the routine down, the kids are sleeping well, eating well, playing hard, obeying, learning quickly, not teething, not fighting, and not sick--life is good.  I feel like I am in my element as a mom.  I enjoy waking up and doing it over again the next day.

But.  When shit hits the fan control (and comfort and routine and stability) are out the window, I realize that I like motherhood a whole lot less.  I love my children, don't get me wrong, but what starts creeping up in me gets pretty ugly pretty fast.  It all boils down to my selfish heart.

Selfishness steals joy.  I've been acting like life is about my kingdom, not God's.

Love does not easily anger.  (1 Cor. 13:5)  In my head today has been the phrase, "Angry parents breed angry children."  If that's the case, Lord help them.

Rather abrupt ending perhaps, but right now I have no other consolation.

If after reading this you want to call CPS, I'll understand.  In the meantime, I'll be pleading for more of God, less of me.  That same prayer I've prayed a million times, but the one I'll keep on saying.

Competitve Parenting

Recently I debated whether or not to start Vera in preschool.  I saw how she could really benefit from a group learning environment, the social setting, and learning to respect and obey other adults.  I decided not to enroll her because I simply wasn't ready.  I'm sure she would love it, but the gut feeling I had was that it just wasn't necessary.  I think Mothers Day Out programs are great and I don't think anything less of moms who do send their kids to these types of day cares, but I suppose I am being selfish in that I want to be around my daughter as much as I can before she has to go away to school someday.

But wrestling with it got me thinking.

I know this isn't a new problem, but being fresh in the roll of parenting a toddler, I am just now recognizing the social expectations/competitiveness of parents.  I started to question whether or not Vera was up to speed and on track.  I started wondering if I was doing enough; teaching her enough, exposing her enough to new environments, and giving her enough new experiences.

It bothers me to be around other parents who feel they have to 'one up' you with the amazing-ness of their kids.  Do you feel me?  Written best by Alicia from Magical Childhood, "We are such a competitive culture that even our toddlers have become trophies and bragging rights.  Childhood shouldn’t be a race."  Well said.  Here's more wisdom found from the same website that, to me, is profound.

So here, I offer my list of what a toddler should know.

1. She should know that she is loved wholly and unconditionally, all of the time.


2. He should know that he is safe and he should know how to keep himself safe in public, with others, and in varied situations. He should know that he can trust his instincts about people and that he never has to do something that doesn’t feel right, no matter who is asking. He should know his personal rights and that his family will back them up.
3. She should know how to laugh, act silly, be goofy and use her imagination. She should know that it is always okay to paint the sky orange and give cats 6 legs.
4. He should know his own interests and be encouraged to follow them. If he could care less about learning his numbers, his parents should realize he’ll learn them accidentally soon enough and let him immerse himself instead in rocket ships, drawing, dinosaurs or playing in the mud.
5. She should know that the world is magical and that so is she. She should know that she’s wonderful, brilliant, creative, compassionate and marvelous. She should know that it’s just as worthy to spend the day outside making daisy chains, mud pies and fairy houses as it is to practice phonics. Scratch that– way more worthy.

But more important, here’s what parents need to know.

1. That every child learns to walk, talk, read and do algebra at his own pace and that it will have no bearing on how well he walks, talks, reads or does algebra.


2. That the single biggest predictor of high academic achievement and high ACT scores is reading to children. Not flash cards, not workbooks, not fancy preschools, not blinking toys or computers, but mom or dad taking the time every day or night (or both!) to sit and read them wonderful books.
3. That being the smartest or most accomplished kid in class has never had any bearing on being the happiest. We are so caught up in trying to give our children “advantages” that we’re giving them lives as multi-tasked and stressful as ours. One of the biggest advantages we can give our children is a simple, carefree childhood.
4. That our children deserve to be surrounded by books, nature, art supplies and the freedom to explore them. Most of us could get rid of 90% of our children’s toys and they wouldn’t be missed, but some things are important– building toys like legos and blocks, creative toys like all types of art materials (good stuff), musical instruments (real ones and multicultural ones), dress up clothes and books, books, books. (Incidentally, much of this can be picked up quite cheaply at thrift shops.) They need to have the freedom to explore with these things too– to play with scoops of dried beans in the high chair (supervised, of course), to knead bread and make messes, to use paint and play dough and glitter at the kitchen table while we make supper even though it gets everywhere, to have a spot in the yard where it’s absolutely fine to dig up all the grass and make a mud pit.
5. That our children need more of us. We have become so good at saying that we need to take care of ourselves that some of us have used it as an excuse to have the rest of the world take care of our kids. Yes, we all need undisturbed baths, time with friends, sanity breaks and an occasional life outside of parenthood. But we live in a time when parenting magazines recommend trying to commit to 10 minutes a day with each child and scheduling one Saturday a month as family day. That’s not okay! Our children don’t need Nintendos, computers, after school activities, ballet lessons, play groups and soccer practice nearly as much as they need US. They need fathers who sit and listen to their days, mothers who join in and make crafts with them, parents who take the time to read them stories and act like idiots with them. They need us to take walks with them and not mind the .1 MPH pace of a toddler on a spring night. They deserve to help us make supper even though it takes twice as long and makes it twice as much work. They deserve to know that they’re a priority for us and that we truly love to be with them.

Muffin Tin Smorgasbord

 (strawberries, brown rice, slow cooked black beans, applesauce, vegetable soup, shredded chicken)

I ran across this idea online and thought it would be perfect for a lunch time change-up for Vera.  She loves containers, compartments, and sorting things, so I knew this would be right up her alley.

This Ain't No Leap Frog

There are so many neat learning activities for kids out there, but gosh, the costs can really add up.  I don't know about you, but I'd rather utilize stuff I have on hand without spending any money.  I used to be a scrapbooker/card-maker, but I have been freed from that bondage!  So I've got lots of extra supplies to use now for creating lessons for kids.

My friend gave me the idea of using poker chips for developmental lessons.  I decided that it's time we start teaching colors.  Vera's totally not there yet, but I figure repetition has to count for something, right?  For now she enjoys just 'clinking' the chips into the cups (extras I had on hand from hosting parties), but I hope working with her will help her comprehension.  I will have to try to dig up some more solid color paper, otherwise there will be important colors she won't learn because of me.  Just kidding.

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What's your favorite color?

Book Jacket Puzzles

Hardcover books come with that paper jacket, right?  I don't know if this is the case with other peoples kids, but Vera loves to take them off and they get ripped up easily.  It's kind of pointless putting them back on, so I decided to reuse them and make puzzles. Again, another use for cardboard.  All you do is glue the jacket onto the cardboard, trim off the sides, and cut into puzzle shapes.  I also store these in manila envelopes.

Supplies

book jacket

cardboard

scissors

glue stick

Total Cost - free!

Lacing Cards

I've mentioned before how much Vera loves a project.  This was something new that I remembered doing from my childhood.  I always save cardboard from packaging and keep it in my craft box for things like this.

Supplies 

cardboard - already owned

shoestrings - $2/pkg.

manila envelope - already owned 

Total Cost - $6

How To Keep Your Kid's Interest Without Buying More Stuff

 I am not a fan of accumulating stuff and that goes for kids' stuff, too.  I figure babies have developed just fine through the centuries not having hundreds of toys, so I don't feel like my kids need excess.  Here are a few things I've found helpful when facing boredom in the home.

* Change location of toys.  Rotate to different rooms or outside, if durable in outdoor weather.  Suddenly a ball or buggy becomes interesting again when placed outside instead of in the playroom.  The ball can now be kicked with full force, bounced off of the brick patio, and chased by a dog.  The buggy becomes a carriage for sticks, rocks, and grass and can be transported throughout the yard.  Books that were on a shelf in the bedroom can be located instead on a table in the playroom or in a basket in the living room.

* Hide toys for future use.  When a toy becomes mundane and boring to the child, pack away to bring out another day.  It will eventually become novelty again.

* Create activity stations.  A couple of weeks ago I was teaching Vera the colors blue and red.  I made little stations for each color and brought out items from throughout the house of those colors.  It could have been a sock or tube of toothpaste, but suddenly everyday items became not only a teaching lesson but something of interest.  Seeing all sorts of objects of the same color together was fun for me to collect and fun for Vera to play with.

* Interaction vs. Solitary  I've noticed that Vera will enjoy playing with something on her own for awhile, but when I get on her level and play with her, it is a different ball game.  She will enjoy a puzzle on her own for a few minutes, then I can come sit with her and she will continue for much longer.

* Swap with friends.  This has been a lifesaver for us.  When a child's attention span can be limited, it is great to have a community of moms who are willing to swap toys, books, and contraptions.  Everyone has spent money on some items, so why not share?  Vera has a lot of "girly" toys; babies, stroller, buggy, etc.  It has been fun to borrow cars, ramps, tractors, tools, and toddler sports equipment.  It has also worked out really well doing the same with infant contraptions because sometimes they are only helpful for just a few months.  We own an infant swing and doorway jumper and in the past have borrowed an exersaucer, play gym, bouncer, and walker.  Another perk to swapping is that you don't have to overcrowd your home or storage spaces.

Baking With A Toddler

In culinary school, I learned the French term "mise en place," which roughly translated simply means "everything in it's place."  Prepping all ingredients before you start is setting everything in it's place.  When baking, this just means having each item measured and portioned in their own little bowls.  I've learned that this is essential when baking with a toddler.

I like doing it this way because I don't have to worry about following a recipe.  For a simple drop cookie recipe, which we were making here, I know that the wet and dry ingredients are combined separately before added together.  Having everything portioned ahead of time makes it easy for a little person to help.  You just have them dump, stir, and taste.